Rudderless ship

Before my father passed away, I always thought that once he was gone I would be a spiritual rudderless ship. With the traditional Memorial Day, my father's birthday, approaching this Friday, and the eighth anniversary of his passing this Thursday (a few hours short of his birthday), I've been a little introspective this past week.

I've always been a lot like my dad. Many things got done just by the force of my will and one of my mottoes remains, "there's always more than one way to skin a cat." But, I kind of had an inkling that with my father removed from the front lines of my spiritual defenses, God was going to grab me by the neck and whip me into shape.

My father was a third order Carmelite, very knowledgeable about the Faith, great apologist and one smart cookie. Through no fault of my parents, I was poorly catechised. When my parents were kids, religious education was sound and kids learned their Faith. My generation, however, got dropped off at CCD only to sit around and sing foo-foo songs and do religious art projects. We were given nothing of the Faith and learned nothing. I was blessed to have my father (and mother) to provide an incredible example and to be my sounding board and religious text book. Whenever I had a religious question, I took it to dad. If he didn't know the answer, he'd track it down.

When my dad passed away, I felt like I had lost my mentor, my spiritual director. But, that wasn't quite all God had in store for me. I had been learning my faith on an intellectual level, text-book style. God was going to teach me a lesson about faith, humility and trust. It was time to set down my St. Thomas books and figuratively pick up the writings of St. Teresa of Avila or St. John of the Cross.

During the past five years, I have been turned upside down and removed from my comfort zone. Huge emotional and spiritual challenges, along with many blessings and miracles, came my way. I did learn to trust God, primarily through my father. I could always trust my father to have my best interests at heart, to want what was best for me, so when the chaos started in my life, I figured I would trust God as I trusted my earthly father. He did not disappoint.

Now, I feel like I'm at a cross-road, wondering what's next. I don't know if there is something more I should be doing aside from being a mom. Could be God working on that humility piece, since I seem to continually get the smack-down in that respect? For the past five years, I've felt like I have something to offer beyond being a mom, probably a remnant of feelings from my pre-mom days as an engineer, but that's MY will at work.

So, I keep praying that God will make things clear or at least gives me the grace to see what it is He has been trying to tell me. Many moms wear multiple hats -- active in things like their parish or school. I just don't know what my calling is, or even if it is to be beyond my own family. Maybe now is not the time. I just wish God would give me my marching orders. But, then again, my other motto is, "careful what you wish for."